Funny Quotes by Bill Engvall

Bill Engvall

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

Funny

Humor

Rooms

Bill Engvall

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

Baby

Funny

Running

Bill Engvall

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

Coffee

Funny

Mistake

Bill Engvall

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

Funny

Hate

Stupid

Bill Engvall

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”

Funny

Humor

Jumping

Bill Engvall

I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference. Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’

Funny

Kids

Teacher

Bill Engvall

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don’t possess what I like to call that … discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was … gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”

Funny

Girl

Humor

Bill Engvall

That’s why they’re man’s best friend. ‘Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they’ve already got men

Funny

Humor

Men

Bill Engvall

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

Funny

House

Humor

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Jack Dreyfus

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Baby

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Believe

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Helping Others

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House

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Iphone

Jumping

Keys

Kids

Life Sucks

Light

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Mother

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Nice

Pain

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People

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Rain

Real

Remember

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Running

Safe

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Sitting

Son

Song

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Teacher

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Yesterday

Funny Quotes by Bill Engvall

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

That’s why they’re man’s best friend. ‘Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they’ve already got men

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

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Funny Quotes by

Jack Dreyfus

William Falconer

Mark Twain

Kirke Mechem

Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Topics by Bill Engvall

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