Quotes by Jim Norton

Jim Norton

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they’re all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Children

Funny

Running

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn’t about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I’m sorry.” It’s not really about right or wrong. It’s about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

Apology

Dark

Sorry

For the record, I hate skiing… and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Funny

Hate

Humor

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno’s statue. It couldn’t help you any less than the real Joe would have.

Helping

Penn State

Real

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Clothes

Funny

Humor

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

Funny

Hate

New Year

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Funny Marriage

Kids

Night

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

Appreciate

Guy

New York

I couldn’t get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Funny

Humor

Rifles

I don’t have kids. That’s why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

Funny

Hate

Humor

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Aids

Apology

Appreciate

Art

Baby

Badass

Boston

Cartoon

Cat

Chef

Children

Cleveland

Clothes

Clubs

College

Country

Couscous

Cracks

Dark

Darkness

Deeper

Embarrassed

Existence

Fall

Faults

Forgiveness

Funny

Funny Marriage

Grateful

Guy

Hate

Helping

Homeless

Horse

House

Humor

Humorous

Information

Interesting

Jersey

Jobs

Kids

Laughing

Looks

Magic

Mean

Mind

Museums

Needs

Negative

The Future Blueprint

Tool

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

Tool

The Autobiography

Tool

The Behaviour Diary

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The Dating Diary

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The Relationship Therapist

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Quotes by Jim Norton

Jim Norton

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they’re all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn’t about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I’m sorry.” It’s not really about right or wrong. It’s about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

For the record, I hate skiing… and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno’s statue. It couldn’t help you any less than the real Joe would have.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

I couldn’t get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I don’t have kids. That’s why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

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Topics by Jim Norton

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The Future Blueprint

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

The Autobiography

The Behaviour Diary

The Dating Diary

The Relationship Therapist

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